~~~ BOB'S DOG ~~~
Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later,two ducks floated into view.
"That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure", responded Bob, "how many ducks are there boy?". The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the pond.
"I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5000 and all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it,and threw it over his shoulder.
"Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife said "You are such a fool." Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
"Well, shit" Bill said, "this dog is useless." Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT. That dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a fucking stick at."
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There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor.
The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
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Are you a true blond? hehe
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried. The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why, yes," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a broken finger."