Survey

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ARE YOU AN UNRECONSTRUCTED, RIGHT-ON, ROGUE MALE OR A DELIVERY BOY OF THE
NEW MALE ORDER? ARE YOU A MAN OR A LOUSE? FIND OUT BELOW.

1. A woman whispers "Do me now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A recording.

2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
b) Your Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.

4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don't miss ESPN Sportsnight.

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.

7. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You
tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.

9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day
of my life"
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a
lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her.

10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.

12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the color of a Chicago Bulls uniform.
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing
sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Vanna...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you
expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.

17. You call your penis:
a) John-Henry.
b) Carlos-Henry.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetizer is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.

20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.

21. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment.
d) A tricky defense in court.

22. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b)"Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."

23. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.

24. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.

25. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.