SPAHD: Stupid People and How the Die (remember, as always, to get into the Stupid People and How They Die club, you just have to make a good-faith effort at a stupid death)
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BREMERTON, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.
Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and testicles.
Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume.
Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound.
Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis per se is minimal*. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because ofthis." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
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As he points out, if you are going to drink, make sure you drink with a group of people smarter than you.
This tale appeared on the radio about a group of drinkers. They decided it would be cool to bungie jump, and this was (reportedly) close to the Veranzzo Narrows bridge. People have been known to bungie illegally from the bridge.
Apparently with enough drink, it made enough sense to go down to the bridge at 4 am, and give it a whirl.
After they got there, it suddenly occurred to the rocket scientists that they had neglected to bring a bungie cord. Pity.
Fortunately for the purposes of our story, one of the Mensa-wannabes found a workman's rope that had been left at the bridge. Yep, you got it, bungie by rope instead. Very, very clever.
Our resident sub-genius tied the rope around one foot, and did the big plunge, which went well, to a point. The point at the end of the rope. Unfortunately, for our inebriated leaper, he had performed the equivalent of jumping off the stupid tree and hitting every branch on the way down.
You see, ropes have decidedly inelastic qualities, and our main man was about to learn that Newton was indeed, right. Shortly after the subsequent rapid deceleration, our George of the Jungle's foot was torn off, and he fell the rest of the way into the icy river. Ouch.
The foot was never found.