Retirement Plan

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MEMORANDUM

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FROM: MANAGEMENT

SUBJECT: REVISED RETIREMENT PLAN

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on the number of personnel. Under the plan, older employees will be asked to go on to early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current year via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).

Employees who are RAPED, will be given the oppurtunity to look for other jobs outside of the company. Provided that they are RAPED, they can request a review of their records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with Upper Management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she shall be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early and Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has recieved HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SCREWED or SHAFTED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue it's policy to ensure that employees are well trained through our SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) program. The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees recieve. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels he/she does not recieve enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you recieve all the SHIT you can stand.