I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child.......eventually.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . . . . . . . . oohh, that's much better.
I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
My school colors were clear.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
They sent me a wakeup letter.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15. "I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, "The whole time."
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers . . .
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".
I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."
I'm a peripheral visionary.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?