1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate it.
Franklin P. Jones
2. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years.
3. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer
sex raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
4. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
5. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
6. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I
should have been more specific.
-- Jane Wagner
7. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the
brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions.
The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting;
2. fleeing;
3.feeding; and
4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro
course
8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
9. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York
Times, 1960
10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
11. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to
learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their
apparent disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams
13. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning
of which I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
15. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
16. Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
17. Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students? A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.
18. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those
really high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
--Jack Handey
19. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you
did."
--Jack Handey
20. In weight lifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination
should
automatically disqualify you.
--Jack Handey
21. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of
dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the
phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
--Also Jack Handey
22. I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
23. "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of
life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say
'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???????"
-Socrates minutes before death
24. Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
25. Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.
26. Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well done.
27. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
28. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
29. The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck...
30. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
31. "The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself." -- Sir Richard F. Burton
32. A bird in the hand will probably shit on your wrist.