Pearls of Wisdom

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The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
-- Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Red Buttons

I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember.
-- Shecky Greene

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
-- Fred Allen

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
-- Ronnie Corbett

They think they can make fuel from horse manure....Now, I don't know

if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
-- Billie Holliday

I date this girl for two years--and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name." -
- Mike Binder

Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
-- Stephen Leacock

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
-- Ed Bluestone

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-- Steve Bluestone

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
-- Wil Shriner

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
-- George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
-- Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
-- Shelley Berman

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
-- Pearl Williams

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army

instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
-- Billiam Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face.
-- Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.

They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-- Jay Leno

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
-- Johnny Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie," until you can find a rock.
-- Will Rogers

It's not hard to tell we was poor--when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
-- George Lindsey

Never moon a werewolf.
-- Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
-- George Gobel

"Take good care of your future, because that's where you're going to spend the rest of your life."
-- Charles F. Kettering