"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
Sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the
computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
Rich Jeni
"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
Tim Steeves
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships."
Jimmy Shubert
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Emo Philips
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,but he
never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
Lenny Clarke
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural
enemy of a tightrope walker."
Emo Philips
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid
problem?'"
Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Rich Jeni
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for blackmen.
Golf
is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Ren Hicks
"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Jeff Green
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Kevin James
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Rich Jeni
(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to
see who's got the better imaginary friend."
Rich Jeni
"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
Gary Valentine
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold
my purse.'"
Francois Morency Quotes from the Montreal Comedy Festival