Recording at a mental help hotline:
"Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer."