One day when little Johnny comes home from school. His Mother says, "Johnny you play nice with your toys, Mom is going to have a bath."
So, Mom goes up to her bath. Johnny remembers something he wants to ask her. He runs upstairs, and says, "Oh,Oh Mommy what's that?" Mother says, "
That's my sponge." Johnny says, "Your sponge, O.K." Then he runs off to play. A few weeks later, his mother has surgery, For this surgery she has to remove all her all her hair, for she is to have abdominal surgery. Mother comes home and everything is fine.
Next day Johnny comes home from school. His mother says, "Mom is going to take a bath." Johnny says,"O.K." A few minutes later Johnny goes up to ask his Mother something. He says, "Oh, Oh Mom what happened to your sponge?" Mom says,"Um,Um, Oh I lost it." "You lost it," says Johnny.
"Yes" says Mom, and Johnny goes off to play.
The next day, Johnny comes home from school. Mother says, "I'm going to take a bath," "O.K." says Johnny. A few minutes later, Johnny comes running into the house. Mommy, Mommy I have good news. She says,"What Johnny?" Johnny says,"I've found your sponge Mommy." She says,"What!" Johnny says, "I've found your sponge." His Mother then asks, "Where did you find my sponge Johnny?" Johnny says, "The maid has it upstairs, and she's washing Daddy's face with it."
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Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father, "Daddy, what are those two dogs doing? To which the father replies, "They are making a puppy!"
Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father, "Daddy what are you and mommy doing?" To which the father replies, "Johnny we are making you a little sister." Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds, "Well, daddy could you roll mommy over? I'd rather have a puppy!"
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Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -" The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaks the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob
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One day at the end of class Little Johnny"s teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little suzy raises her hand...."my dad owns a farm and every sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market"...."well one sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road"...
Teacher asks for the moral of the story....
Suzy replies, "don"t keep all your eggs in one basket"
"Very nice, suzy" replies the teacher. The teachers asks for the next story, ignoring Little Johnny the teacher picks Lucy....
"Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator"...."last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched"....
Teacher asks for the moral of the story....
Lucy replies "don"t count your chickens before there hatched"
And so on, unitl at last there is only Little Johnny, with trepidation, the teacher asks Little Johnny for his story....
"My dad fought in the Vietnam War, his plane was shot down over enemy territory"....."he jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more! But the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....
Little Johnny replies, "yeah, don"t fuck with my dad when he's been drinking"
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The teacher gave the class an assignment. Everyone must think of which part of their body is closest to God. They are to go home and think about it and come in the next day with their thoughts.
The next day the teacher asked the class what they thought - Little Johnny is jumping out of his chair Oooo! Oooo! Oooo! - I know!!! I know!!!
The teacher wanted to hear from someone else so little Sally raised her hand and said:
S - your head
T - Why is that Sally?
S - Because it is the highest part of your body
T - Good answer Sally - anyone else???
Little Johnny - I know I know !!!!!!
Not yet Johnny give someone else a try!
Little Becky replied:
B - your heart
T - Why Becky
B - Because you love with your heart and we love God.
T - Good answer Becky
Little Johnny is still jumping from his chair raising his hand!!!
Ok Johnny what part of the body do you think is closer to God??
J - your feet
T - Why your feet?
J - because last night my mom had her feet in the air and she was yelling
"Oh God - Oh God I'm coming!!"
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A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.
Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.
After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."
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Stefan and Grandpa: Stefan and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" To which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
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Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
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One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"