God Questionaire
<![CDATA[<body>]]>SATISFACTION QUESTIONNAIRE-GOD, Inc.
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be
kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name
or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or
suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Other (specify):
__ Torah ______________________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yahweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehovah __ Jesus
__ Allah __ Satan
__ God __ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered:
__________________________________________
[Besides self-appointed human messengers]
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped another God before?
__ Yes __ No
If Yes, which false god were you fooled by?
Please check all that apply.
__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Dianetics __ Psychic Friends Network
__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves __ ESP
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _______________
__ Barney Fife __ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve
the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would
you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know ... what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following:
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5
than the Hudson)
talking with flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):