"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war ..
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go! You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off! I've got the toe
clippers right here!' "
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner
.."
--Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast."
--Johnathan Katz
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little
bit?"
--Garry Shandling