Excerpts from "Deep Thoughts" by Jack Handey (as seen on Saturday Night Live).
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like "Hey, when are you going to pay me that hundred dollars you owe me?" or "Do you have that fify dollars you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa get up on the roof with his Superman cape on. "Get down!" yelled Uncle Lou. "Don't move!" screamed Grandm a. But Grandpa wouldn't listen. He walked to the edge of the roof and stuck out his arms, like he was going to fly. I forget what happened after that.