Assorted Stuff

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A man walked into a bank. "I want to open a fuckin' checking account," the man said. "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" the teller replied. "Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now!" "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in the bank!" With that the teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him the problem. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no fuckin' problem," the man said, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this fuckin' bank!" "I see Sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

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It has been brought to the attention of the Air Force that some airmen have been using foul language in the course of conversation; while the Air Force realized the importance of individual freedom of speech and right to expression, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The Air Force has compiled the following code phrases to be used in future communications:

OLD PHRASE: NEW PHRASE

Are you really that fucking stupid?: I'll look into that for you.

This job sucks: I love a challenge.

What the fuck?: Fascinating.

Who the hell cares?: Are you sure it's a problem?

You've got to be shitting me: Really?

Kiss my ass: So you'd like my help with it?

Another fucking meeting: Yes, we should discuss this.

Fuck it: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

Tell someone who gives a shit: Perhaps you should check with.....

Shove it up your ass: I don't think you understand.

Ask me if I give a shit: Of course I'm concerned.

He's got his head up his ass: He's not familiar with the problem.

It's not my fucking problem: I wasn't involved in that project.

What the fuck do they want: They weren't happy with it.

Bullshit: You don't say.

Eat shit and die: Excuse me.

No fucking way: I'm not certain that's feasible.

Not fucking likely: Certainly.

Fuck you: How nice, how very, very nice.

You cheap son of a bitch: That's economically feasible.

Fuck off and quit bothering me: Let me check into that and get back to you.

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A 9O-year-old man went to the doctor's and asked for a sperm count.

"It can't be very high," the doctor said. "There's really no need for it."

But the old man still wanted it all the same. "All right then," the doctor said. She went to her cabinet, got out a small container, and gave it to the man. "Take this jar home, do a little jobby in the jar, and bring it back here."

A week later, the doctor was coming out of her office when she found the old man and his wife sitting in the waiting room. They handed her the jar. "But the jar is empty," she said after looking at it. "I told you that you had to do a little jobby in the jar in order for me to get the sperm count."

"Doc," the man began. "I tried it with my right hand, I tried it with my left hand. My wife tried it with her right hand, and tried it with her left hand. She even tried it with her teeth out. But that damn lid just wouldn't come off!"

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A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with his teacher.

Well, his father's chest just swells with pride and he says to his son,"I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I'm proud of you son. You know that bicycle that you've been wanting for so long. I'm going to take you out and buy it for you today."

His son says, "Well if it's all the same to you dad, I'd rather go tomorrow. My ass is still sore."

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A gay guy pays a visit to his doctor and confides that he has a vibrator stuck up his ass. The doc says, "Thats no problem, I'll have it out shortly." "Oh no, don't remove it." The doc says, puzzled, "Then what do you want me to do ?"

Change the batteries, please."

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

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A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!"

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The Teacher

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

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Sex Potion

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"

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Once upon a time a beautiful woman loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. It's really quite simple, the old man explained. Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment. Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her progress.

So, he asked, any luck with your tomatoes?????

No, she replied excitedly, but you should see the size of my cucumbers!!!

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Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost an excess of $250,000.00, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study. The Poles didn't really trust the U.S. or German studies.

So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at a cost of right around $75.00, the Polish study reached a conclusion. The Polish study came to the final conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest wth you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possesions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamfaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my parents house for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Plymouth."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg!"

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A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

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The Little Girl And A Bird

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

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TOILET

A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room.

He was told that it's around the back of the building he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a shit, only to discover there's no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads,

'Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention'

So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole.

On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through.

The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger....